Let's Diss Chennai's Traffic Cops Some More

They don't do their job. Not at all. They are lazy, insolent, pain-in-the-asses. Let's admit it. All they are really interested is in harassing you. Maybe even make a little money too. I mean, c'mon, look what they are really supposed to be doing and all. And what do they do? If you are just citizen you would want to throw the constitution of India on their smug faces just to remind them of their duties. Chances are still you cannot wipe out that look of absolute indifference there. They are simply not bothered. Accepted. But why are they hell bent on screwing our happiness. Can't they see our pathetic lives are already so bloody full of problems. Why are these people so oblivious to our troubles?

Think about it.

You have to subsist on less than a fancy five-digit salary. You have a wife who is nagging you day in, day out for a bigger colour TV, the latest silk saree on the Nalli Hoarding, and a ceremonial visit to her parent's. There are two tikes crawling on the floor eating away half of your salary in doctor's bills, baby food and toys. Your widowed mother lives with a perennial cough that somehow becomes a one-man-wake-the-neighbourhood-alarm in the nights. So you're life is pretty much like being in Afghan while American bombers flew sorties flattening it.

That's not the worst part.

To support this circus of a life, this simple degradation of existence, you have to stand under Chennai's horrid sun the whole day; breathe carbon-monooxide and other toxic stuff that would stop a charging bull dead right in its tracks; risk your arms, limbs and life standing smack in the middle of thousands of crazed drivers speeding around as if to kill and venge the wrongs of their parents, children, spouses, bosses, government and the mosquito that bit them last night; stand there and get abused, assaulted, cursed; kicked around and barked at by bosses travelling in the convenience of air-conditioned cars, and if lucky, go back to do the same shit again next morning in the only other pair of uniform you have. This is your entire life. Every day. Day after day. Year after every living year.

[They remind you of the protagonist in Kafka's Trial and Dosteyvsky's Notes From The Underground]

Then on a speeding flashy bike or trendy car, you arrive. Talking on the latest Nokia N73. On the other end is your girlfriend telling you about how she's not happy with her hair cut or bosom buddy who's arranging that party next week. All life and death situations that have to be attended to, then and there. And you, as the noble lord that you are, rise up to the occasion not afraid to break a government rule, even risk your life. Only to be waived down by a stupid, so called 'officer of the law' who obviously does not have your intelligence or commonsense to understand the ridiculousness of the situation.

It is ridiculous, isn't it?

You are just talking on the phone, for God's sake. You haven't hit anyone. Or worse, killed anybody. You are just breaking a law that doesn't make sense anyway. Mobiles are for talking while on the move. That's the whole idea, right? And how ridiculous it is to curb that freedom? Sometimes, it is all so senseless. Don't open that trap of more stupid accusations on me? So what if you don't have a license? You've been driving since you were 12 and are proud of not having a single accident to your name. So what if your vehicle insurance has expired? It's your private problem, isn't it? Why the hell are these cops so noosy? I mean, how can they fall to such depths of depravity to get a hundred bucks from me? That's all they want, right? Insurance? What insurance? I don't have insurance. Period. So what? There are hundreds of them running on the roads without insurance.

So what if I am drunk? I am not THAT drunk. I can handle myself very well. I have done this a thousand times now. Yeah, the last time I kindda bumped on to the gate of my building. But hey, no one knows. And it was nothing serious. Ok? Look, I am tired, and I am sleepy. I just want to go home. Why can't you take some money and let me go? That's what you want, right? So, let's all be gentlemen here. Take this money. Say ta ta to me. Thank you, officer. You are so good. Oh..argh...no..no..that's ok. I tripped. No.. seriously.. it's ok. Can I drive? Of course, I can. Just wait and watch...Sorry, what? huh? My fly is open? ha..ha..Where are my damn keys?

So what if I break a few rules, officer? I mean, everybody does that, isn't it? You got to be a little friendly, you know? What the hell do you get for charging me, anyway? You think the governement cares whether I follow the rules or not? They just appoint you so that more people are employed. Yeah, that's it. Rules are meant to be broken. Well, not broken necessarily. But circumvent. Atleast some of them. For our convenience. After all, that is what is most important, isn't it? Rules should be there for our convenience. You, traffic cops, you should just stand there and see how good we naturally are. We are all civilised and highly educated people, officer. Yeah, now I said it. But why are you laughing?

Statistics say that an average of 25,000 or more new vehicles are added to Chennai's roads every month. Add to that, the fast gaining popularity of our city as the better, if not the best, metro to live and work in. The BPOs, the software companies, the financial institutions, the automobile giants... they are all arriving in hoards to our city. So are their employees. In the last two years, Chennai must have seen the most number of white and blue collar workers from all parts of the country relocating [with their vehicles, ofcourse] to this city.

The number of vehicles on our roads are increasing dangerously. The number of people driving has grown exponentially. Just notice the number of registration plates for five minutes while on the road next time. You will see plates with almost every alphabet in the english language. But our roads haven't changed. They are about to burst open at their seams like a tired old sack. The number of traffic cops hasn't changed either. If earlier there was one cop for every hundred vehicles on the road, now there is one cop for every thousand.

He is underpaid, overworked, beaten, bruised, burned-out, loveless, with a whole city against him.

But, hey, I say he sure isn't doing his job right. What do you say?